eight miscellaneous moments of Philia

a reminder that everyone underrates the rituals of friendship

by Santa Liza

The Greeks were wise enough to have a word for the kind of love that friendship is built on, but everyone has their own version of it. These are parts of mine.

midnight walks

Truly I tell you, if you have not walked together around in the silent streets past any reasonable bedtime, you have missed a sacred experience. Life has a curious way of fading into the background as the city lights dim. Then the dreams come to the forefront, along with memories, and a deep, deep comprehension of what it means to be bonded as friends. No dream is too big past midnight, no hope too optimistic. We’ll make it, we have to.

Of course, there are walks for the sake of walking, and magical walks. But neither happen without first starting out.

sharing music

Sharing control over songs, replaying old favourites and new finds; your heads banging and bobbing to the backbeat. Lips synced perfectly to every syllable, yelling out the hardest bars. Grins interspersed with stank faces. You do not always share the same tastes, but when you do, you make sure you enjoy it twice as much.

Walking down streets with one earbud each. Lying on the sofa with the speakers booming. Synced rapping in silence, words pouring out by pure habit. Cooking breakfast to their playlists, so they can wake up to their favourite tunes.

There is magic in this wiggly air between us.

touching bodies

Head against head. Arms around shoulders. Laying next to each other, lying on each other. I want this for all of you, for it is when you are at your most human. The unquestioned comfort of casual intimacy is earned with time.

When was the last time you trusted someone with your body? Was it not worth it to be able to feel affection on your skin? This is a closeness that a touching of minds cannot replace. Nor should it, for the flesh and the soul are compliments, and must meet in their own ways.

Hug your friends harder than you need to.

winning

Elation. Exhilaration. Joy. All those and more, mixed up into a marvellous cocktail of mutual triumph. Chest-thumping is called for, whoops of joy need not be suppressed. Fortune has smiled upon you, and your shred grins will beam as brightly.

You’ve done it, the battle is yours. You walk home drunk on power, witnesses to each other’s glory. Cherish these moments, they are what make the fight worth it. What is the point of an alliance, if you never experience the decadent taste of victory?

silent mornings

There comes a moment in every relationship when you have earned the right to be quiet. To sit in patient contemplation, your mere existences filling the space perfectly.

Eventually you begin moving in a shared rhythm. One to the bathroom, the other to the kitchen. The eggs are frying, the first sentences flitter back and forth; the quiet rituals have been set into motion.

You’ve got all the time in the world.

play

There was a time when sport used to be played for fun. Not for some kind of made-up, character-building reasons, and definitely not because you cared about your heart rate. We might never return to that time, but at least it’s worth reminiscing about.

Because there remains something sacred about shared play. Something wonderfully wild about the movement of bodies in space; twisting, leaping, competing. On the field, in the streets, on a beach. This is the exuberant freedom of sport, one born from camaraderie and the flames of youthful rivalry.

You should try rugby on the sand.

shared exhaustion

physique: Failing legs, sore arms, aching backs. These are the shared sensations of brotherly effort. To look across at your partner and now they’re feeling exactly the same way you are. To hear your hearts pounding and lungs gasping. To know that you’ll get up and go again, but not right now. For now, you rest together.

mentaux: Actually, I should have said “spiritual”. The point at which your brain gives up because your heart has been emptied. When you’ve tried hard enough that success is supposed to be a forgone conclusion, and you failed anyway. When life walks in to remind you just how tiny you really are. When you stare across at each other and flash a sardonic grin of acceptance; “it’s been a hard time, but we’ll be back.”

subversive plotting

You must plan the upheaval of the world order. You must choose what colour the curtains should be. You must be co-conspirators in the most wicked of plots. You must argue about which waitress is cuter. You must know you can trust them with your life, because you already have.

This isn’t just the sharing of dangerous secrets. The very act of trust is subversive. A gigantic “f*** you” in the face of those that expect uber-careful rational behaviour from every citizen. I heard that the younger members of gen Z were sharing crypto wallets instead of transferring money, and for a brief moment, I felt hope for this generation.

There will always be defectors, the task of friendship is to find souls that will be true.